Bashed and Loyal

The papers today report that Rihanna appears to have been "bitten and battered" by her boyfriend. Previously in Australia, at least two sportsmen were accused of the pleasant sport of glassing, inexplicably both girlfriends (see here and here and here) decided to stick by her man in spite of those Australia says No campaigns. Whether Rihanna does so remains to be seen.

If she does, she is likely to have a precedent in the teen set that worships her. I had long chats with my cousin on my last visit to Mumbai and it transpired that at least two girls she knew, both in their late teens, were in abusive relationships. It was hard for me to ascertain if the girls were under any kind of peer pressure to leave. I may be wrong but it seemed to be all par for the course and merely part of girl talk on the agonies of a relationship. Having a boyfriend may after all be more important than having none in the brave new India. On the other hand, if the girls were lying, it only underlines that a violent boyfriend may be the must have accessory.

Time was when it was your bai who turned up glassed. She stayed in the marriage because she didn't have any choices in a society where leaving a husband brought its own stigma. Better to be a victim than a survivor was the underlying thought. And in a number of societies, it was understood that men in love roughed up their women a bit. It happened amongst the upper classes too but was spoken of in hushed tones. Some uncle or the other would be nursing the bottle (it seems to be omnipresent in domestic violence) and kicking the wife but the surface of polite society ran smooth. Any opprobrium was discreet.

Domestic violence has been on the agenda for long enough. There has been much written, much legislation to ensure that women do not endure violence and are not stigmatised by the violence. To disabuse the notion that love equals violence. In the public forum at least violence is not tolerated - Rihanna's boy friend can expect to lose a few contracts. But its hard to predict how the woman in the relationship will respond. Children were beaten too once. Its rarer these days and were it to be public, a person can expect to be ostracised. More importantly, no child sees abuse as a form of love. But at least these few examples makes it clear that women may have 21st century relationships with the freedom it entails but the internal dynamics of the relationship dates back to a more primitive time.

PostScript: Jezebel notes that teenage girls seem to find violence OK.